Ramblings of A Formerly Subsidized Middle-Class Nigerian
Warning:
This message contains content that might be too long and laborious for
reading. Anyone who cannot eat Cassava Bread should not touch it.
N.B. Keep a glass of water nearby.
Good day,
Sometimes it is said: "If you can't cry...please laugh!"
I know you might ask: What's so good about the day? Well follow me as we explore the reasons why I think the day is good.
To start off, 2012 is 'My Year of Harvest'. There is going to be food, food, & more food! In fact people will run when they see or hear 'food'! N1Billion! worth of food has been budgeted for in our annual budget by Mr. President. That is inclusive of cutlery and chinaware costs.
It will please you to know that starting from this year there was apportionment of expenses for this expense head. And the good thing is that they are disposables...so as to cut the cost of 2011 and make 'provisioning' for 2012 easier. At least you don't have to worry about washing and rinsing them which could easily take another N5-10million naira! We need to cut costs.
That's per...night? week? or month? Anyway, the chinaware keep breaking and so there's always a supplementary budget to take care of mending, fixing and repairs of the breakables. It is cheaper to repair broken chinaware than to import new ones abi?
Yeah so, each category(Mending, Fixing & Repairing) will cost N1million per piece broken and there will be a carrying & transportation cost of N500,000 each. Last I heard the contracts will be awarded 'on-a-know-who-basis' so offers will be valid while the 'stock' lasts! Please feel free to apply here...if you find the link.
The next reason why you will agree with me that the day is getting ever better is because we are the happiest people in the world. Oh! sorry because of Boko Haram our 'happyness' rating has gone down...they just told me that we are now the third happiest Nation.
Ghana and Niger Republic our neighbors have overtaken us as Nos. 1 & 2 respectively because they are going to export Electricity and Petroleum to the most populous black 'company'...oh! sorry slip of the tongue...country in the world! Ghana is said to be already smiling to the bank on the excess electric capacity she intends to export.
Meanwhile, we Nigerians were recently invited to inspect the new refinery that was built for OUR consumption at the border in Niger Republic which will make fuel queues a thing of the past by the time the pumps are turned on. In the interim some Bedouins have been contacted and contracted and an MOU has been signed with them that in case of any eventuality, they would be on standby to provide camels to haul the PMS to the final destination as a cheaper and environmentally-friendly alternative to the trucks that might get stuck in the desert sand.
All in all 2012 looks bright and as we go for our holidays let us look forward to a new beginning that will usher in a 'transformed' and 'fresher' Nigeria for all.
As I assured everyone before ...you don't need to worry about food. There will be so much leftovers by the time the N1billion naira dinners are over that we will be packaging Ghana-must-go with leftovers and even maybe we might start exporting 'finished' food to Somalia and other war ravaged areas of the world. That way we can get all those dollars that were given as 'aid' in exchange for our excess 'finished' food. It will be well...
Everyone, don't worry keep those smiles coming...2012 is our year! We will bounce back to being the number one happiest people in the world because we are no longer going to have a subsidized life. It will be free-market. So everyone can do anything he wants.
Don't you see they have already started trial-testing or is it test-running? Boko-Haram, armed-robbery, drugs, prostitution, rape, homosexuality, among others will all be available over-the-counter...no more prohibition since it's a free-market.Our ratings will shoot-up because everyone will be happy.
Unfortunately, I might not be around to enjoy with you guys because I was diagnosed with Happyness 2.0! Kai it's too much for me this Happyness. I have been directed to go to Niger for a few years...and since I heard that my ancestors followed that route when they came from Egypt. Perhaps I might find a long lost cousin there and we can dig for oil in the backyard and make some quick money!
Which reminds me...I need to renew my passport! But let me leave it till next year. They said that the prices will come down because of the subsidy-removal. It has an inverse relationship with PMS. The higher the fuel price the lower the cost of the Passport. Don't ask me why! It is Nigerian Economics and Finance.
They just started offering this course in some prison which I've forgotten it's name. There are some visiting Professors from the University of Oceanic & Intercontinental Finance who have been awarded more than 100 counts of Excellence and the they are Joint winners of the Nobel Prize in the Art & Skill of Banking and Financial Quantum Mechanics. It is the newest field that promises so much with so little.
And because all you need to get to the top is PDP - Plunder and Democratic Pillaging! Don't worry the cake will go round because there is Zoning abi?
Well finally, finally the owners of the oven are holding the frying pan! But in the Euphoria let the Chief Cook not let our Cassava Bread burn O! while he is busy trying to fry a subsidized omelette!
But not to worry. Next time when you are asked what your country is called just say: Goodluck of Africa! If they ask where is that just say West African Savanahland. If they prompt you again excuse yourself saying: one moment please...
You see you cannot deny that we are the only country that has 'Goodluck' as the most pronounced and written word in daily usage. I doubt if there's a Nigerian who doesn't say or hear Goodluck before the day ends. So why won't we be happy. Abegi, Goodluck to you my country people!
As for the issue of passport please and please I beg you do not...I repeat do not, display it in the open or else you might cause a scene in foreign airports. In the first place, it is a 'security risk' because it has multiple uses and it is the most widely sought after passport in the world(under).Every African worth his salt in Strategic Manipulation wants a Nigerian passport.
It makes it so easy when you are being presented as the newest 'catch' in International Manipulation to gain recognition when they see that you have a Nigerian Passport. The accolades are never ending and you will even be given 'VIP' treatment! The last guy who was from Nigeria had a slight accident in his pants and he is now a special guest of honor at the Plane Bombing trials taking place somewhere in the USA.
So advisedly, if possible maybe paint your passport blue so that the Green is hidden and if they ask you insist that it's due to Global Warming. Green things have started turning icey blue! So they had better stop driving those Ferraris, Bugattis and Keke Napeps (or is it Tricycles)!
Those things (three-legged-machines) contribute upto 32% of the monosaturated carbontrioxide gas that is being inhaled daily by Nigerians. No wonder we don't live past 40-something! Meanwhile it is affecting the environment such that even the fish that are used to swimming in Port Harcourt & Lagos are slowly going away and migrating to Angola because of the air pollution of the tricycles in Kano commonly referred to as A Daidaita Sahu. You know Kano is the most populated tricycle city in Nigeria. Before long everyone will own a tricycle at the rate at which they plan to ban motorcycles in the country.
Secondly concerning the Nigerian passport.....................Kai! let me leave it like this. I'm suspecting that SSS are on this thread and might try to silence me. I will inbox you guys the rest of the gist...All Nigerians...switch to Pidgin mode.
My people don't blame me O! I have to fear O! My two pikin just dey come up. The first one just start school this year. So make E no be na my big mouth cause them any extra wahala! I no even know how much Pampers go dey sell next year. Which reminds me my fellow country people wey get new borns to be...better stock Pampers Ooo! Ehen! I don talk my own finish.
Because as you see me so, I am already smiling to the bank O! I have bought a trailer truckload of Pampers @N600 per piece and the truck has contained 1million pieces.
But the arrangement na on credit O! You no see say na above market price I buy am. Make them no hear me dey calculate N600million think say na my money. Na part payment I make. The rest go come by the time I finish distributing them pampers.
Na wan, wan thousand I go sell am at discount price. So that's N1Billion for pampers only. Don't worry I get three Executive positions wey I go fill up with correct country people. Especially my expatriates wey don finish dem Post-graduate. I fit give una Regional Manager North, then na who go manage the Southern Region? Okay no wahala I get some people for mind. Then I go need someone wey go hold the Dubai Liason Directorate...since Dubai na the no. one destination for Asia...dem go need pampas well well! Then which correct person go be the European Union rep. gbam! And no go forget, this one na Reeeeeeeeeeal Women Affairs E go be! Pampers na women business now abi?
Anyway, Aliyu's Pamper's will sweep the whole West African Savanahland. Our motto will be: Aliyu's Pampers...Goodluck for all babies! or Buy Aliyu's Pamper's and enjoy Goodluck and Fresh air everytime!
Don't worry. Just be Happy!
Good day to all!
N.B. Keep a glass of water nearby.
Good day,
Sometimes it is said: "If you can't cry...please laugh!"
I know you might ask: What's so good about the day? Well follow me as we explore the reasons why I think the day is good.
To start off, 2012 is 'My Year of Harvest'. There is going to be food, food, & more food! In fact people will run when they see or hear 'food'! N1Billion! worth of food has been budgeted for in our annual budget by Mr. President. That is inclusive of cutlery and chinaware costs.
It will please you to know that starting from this year there was apportionment of expenses for this expense head. And the good thing is that they are disposables...so as to cut the cost of 2011 and make 'provisioning' for 2012 easier. At least you don't have to worry about washing and rinsing them which could easily take another N5-10million naira! We need to cut costs.
That's per...night? week? or month? Anyway, the chinaware keep breaking and so there's always a supplementary budget to take care of mending, fixing and repairs of the breakables. It is cheaper to repair broken chinaware than to import new ones abi?
Yeah so, each category(Mending, Fixing & Repairing) will cost N1million per piece broken and there will be a carrying & transportation cost of N500,000 each. Last I heard the contracts will be awarded 'on-a-know-who-basis' so offers will be valid while the 'stock' lasts! Please feel free to apply here...if you find the link.
The next reason why you will agree with me that the day is getting ever better is because we are the happiest people in the world. Oh! sorry because of Boko Haram our 'happyness' rating has gone down...they just told me that we are now the third happiest Nation.
Ghana and Niger Republic our neighbors have overtaken us as Nos. 1 & 2 respectively because they are going to export Electricity and Petroleum to the most populous black 'company'...oh! sorry slip of the tongue...country in the world! Ghana is said to be already smiling to the bank on the excess electric capacity she intends to export.
Meanwhile, we Nigerians were recently invited to inspect the new refinery that was built for OUR consumption at the border in Niger Republic which will make fuel queues a thing of the past by the time the pumps are turned on. In the interim some Bedouins have been contacted and contracted and an MOU has been signed with them that in case of any eventuality, they would be on standby to provide camels to haul the PMS to the final destination as a cheaper and environmentally-friendly alternative to the trucks that might get stuck in the desert sand.
All in all 2012 looks bright and as we go for our holidays let us look forward to a new beginning that will usher in a 'transformed' and 'fresher' Nigeria for all.
As I assured everyone before ...you don't need to worry about food. There will be so much leftovers by the time the N1billion naira dinners are over that we will be packaging Ghana-must-go with leftovers and even maybe we might start exporting 'finished' food to Somalia and other war ravaged areas of the world. That way we can get all those dollars that were given as 'aid' in exchange for our excess 'finished' food. It will be well...
Everyone, don't worry keep those smiles coming...2012 is our year! We will bounce back to being the number one happiest people in the world because we are no longer going to have a subsidized life. It will be free-market. So everyone can do anything he wants.
Don't you see they have already started trial-testing or is it test-running? Boko-Haram, armed-robbery, drugs, prostitution, rape, homosexuality, among others will all be available over-the-counter...no more prohibition since it's a free-market.Our ratings will shoot-up because everyone will be happy.
Unfortunately, I might not be around to enjoy with you guys because I was diagnosed with Happyness 2.0! Kai it's too much for me this Happyness. I have been directed to go to Niger for a few years...and since I heard that my ancestors followed that route when they came from Egypt. Perhaps I might find a long lost cousin there and we can dig for oil in the backyard and make some quick money!
Which reminds me...I need to renew my passport! But let me leave it till next year. They said that the prices will come down because of the subsidy-removal. It has an inverse relationship with PMS. The higher the fuel price the lower the cost of the Passport. Don't ask me why! It is Nigerian Economics and Finance.
They just started offering this course in some prison which I've forgotten it's name. There are some visiting Professors from the University of Oceanic & Intercontinental Finance who have been awarded more than 100 counts of Excellence and the they are Joint winners of the Nobel Prize in the Art & Skill of Banking and Financial Quantum Mechanics. It is the newest field that promises so much with so little.
And because all you need to get to the top is PDP - Plunder and Democratic Pillaging! Don't worry the cake will go round because there is Zoning abi?
Well finally, finally the owners of the oven are holding the frying pan! But in the Euphoria let the Chief Cook not let our Cassava Bread burn O! while he is busy trying to fry a subsidized omelette!
But not to worry. Next time when you are asked what your country is called just say: Goodluck of Africa! If they ask where is that just say West African Savanahland. If they prompt you again excuse yourself saying: one moment please...
You see you cannot deny that we are the only country that has 'Goodluck' as the most pronounced and written word in daily usage. I doubt if there's a Nigerian who doesn't say or hear Goodluck before the day ends. So why won't we be happy. Abegi, Goodluck to you my country people!
As for the issue of passport please and please I beg you do not...I repeat do not, display it in the open or else you might cause a scene in foreign airports. In the first place, it is a 'security risk' because it has multiple uses and it is the most widely sought after passport in the world(under).Every African worth his salt in Strategic Manipulation wants a Nigerian passport.
It makes it so easy when you are being presented as the newest 'catch' in International Manipulation to gain recognition when they see that you have a Nigerian Passport. The accolades are never ending and you will even be given 'VIP' treatment! The last guy who was from Nigeria had a slight accident in his pants and he is now a special guest of honor at the Plane Bombing trials taking place somewhere in the USA.
So advisedly, if possible maybe paint your passport blue so that the Green is hidden and if they ask you insist that it's due to Global Warming. Green things have started turning icey blue! So they had better stop driving those Ferraris, Bugattis and Keke Napeps (or is it Tricycles)!
Those things (three-legged-machines) contribute upto 32% of the monosaturated carbontrioxide gas that is being inhaled daily by Nigerians. No wonder we don't live past 40-something! Meanwhile it is affecting the environment such that even the fish that are used to swimming in Port Harcourt & Lagos are slowly going away and migrating to Angola because of the air pollution of the tricycles in Kano commonly referred to as A Daidaita Sahu. You know Kano is the most populated tricycle city in Nigeria. Before long everyone will own a tricycle at the rate at which they plan to ban motorcycles in the country.
Secondly concerning the Nigerian passport.....................Kai! let me leave it like this. I'm suspecting that SSS are on this thread and might try to silence me. I will inbox you guys the rest of the gist...All Nigerians...switch to Pidgin mode.
My people don't blame me O! I have to fear O! My two pikin just dey come up. The first one just start school this year. So make E no be na my big mouth cause them any extra wahala! I no even know how much Pampers go dey sell next year. Which reminds me my fellow country people wey get new borns to be...better stock Pampers Ooo! Ehen! I don talk my own finish.
Because as you see me so, I am already smiling to the bank O! I have bought a trailer truckload of Pampers @N600 per piece and the truck has contained 1million pieces.
But the arrangement na on credit O! You no see say na above market price I buy am. Make them no hear me dey calculate N600million think say na my money. Na part payment I make. The rest go come by the time I finish distributing them pampers.
Na wan, wan thousand I go sell am at discount price. So that's N1Billion for pampers only. Don't worry I get three Executive positions wey I go fill up with correct country people. Especially my expatriates wey don finish dem Post-graduate. I fit give una Regional Manager North, then na who go manage the Southern Region? Okay no wahala I get some people for mind. Then I go need someone wey go hold the Dubai Liason Directorate...since Dubai na the no. one destination for Asia...dem go need pampas well well! Then which correct person go be the European Union rep. gbam! And no go forget, this one na Reeeeeeeeeeal Women Affairs E go be! Pampers na women business now abi?
Anyway, Aliyu's Pamper's will sweep the whole West African Savanahland. Our motto will be: Aliyu's Pampers...Goodluck for all babies! or Buy Aliyu's Pamper's and enjoy Goodluck and Fresh air everytime!
Don't worry. Just be Happy!
Good day to all!
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